So I have to admit that I am ashamed at how long it has taken me to write my SECOND blog post here... pretty pathetic.... But I have a confession--- After my last post about letting go of your plans, well, lets just say - be careful what you blog about!! About two weeks after my post, God tested my faith by completely dismantling my own "well thought-out" plans.... It was both humorous and painful at the same time. Let's just say that after processing these events over the past 2 months or so, I have been taught on a whole other level what it means to "practice what you preach" -- and it is truly a beautiful lesson...
I began that blog in a place where I had let go of one set of plans and in my own mind had received God's plan (insert pat on the back here as I wrote that blog). And THEN God showed me that I had only let go of one set of my own plans to insert a NEW set of my own plans --- in reality neither was truly built on God or any real amount of discernment or surrender. They just "made sense" and fit together in my little mind.
See I am a classic "planner" --- not that there is anything truly wrong with that. It all depends on how you create the plan. Is it founded on God through prayer, or did you merely use your own reason and worldly logic in order to make yourself feel better about the future, and then present it to God to get his stamp of approval....
As I reflect on all this, I think what I am learning, at least about myself, is that my obsessive need to plan out the steps of the future are rooted in fear-- my unwillingness to totally depend on the providence of God. In a few words: I really struggle with trusting him--- take it even deeper.... I question his unconditional love for me... and so I worry, and feel the compulsive need to plan. See, I know that I make LOTS of mistakes, and if God's love is conditional, then my mistakes may result in God's punishment, so I erroneously believe that I have to take matters into my own hands... (I will have to come to this issue in a future post)
Then comes Matthew 6:24-34 (today's Gospel) and you enter into the Gospel passage that I feel was written especially for me. It is seriously my FAVORITE passage in the Gospels. (The page has literally fallen out of my Bible I have turned to it so much!) It is all about depending on God and His providence...
"If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?" (v 30)
So I have to ask myself, and I ask you in turn, in case you also struggle with this, why do I doubt? I surely have no reason to! I mean I HAVE to be worth more than GRASS!!!! =) In fact in every circumstance where I have been unable to see the outcome, where I felt the most "out of control," God has provided way above and beyond my expectations....
And so of course, in order to continue hammering home that lesson, God brought me yet again to that cross roads of "I have no plan now...." He wanted to remind me (all of us) that he is the ultimate planner and that I can feel safe in his arms, not knowing what the next step is, because He will surely show me that step when the time is right. So I can RELAX in the present.... "Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil." (v 34) And what I can pretty much guarantee, when we truly surrender and rest in the peace of total trust in God, the results that follow when he finally does reveal our next step, far exceed that results that we had been planning for ourselves...
Seriously, it doesnt get any better than that... Why not trust our lives the with ONE who created the deepest desires of our hearts?... The one who TRULY knows how to satisfy and quench our seemingly unquenchable thirst for peace.
So I will conclude this post with the prophet Isaiah from the first reading today at Mass. When we are in the midst of anxiety and worry... feeling forsaken by God, as we watch our plans melt away, may we hear the voice of God say to us, "Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you." (Is 49:14-15)
So do not worry and rest in the peaceful arms of your Heavenly Father....
